Diary of a Father
by TrinityTheSheDevil
Summary: Aragorn's Diary as he has kids. This is dedicated to all the moms and dads out there! Bet you'll get a laugh outta this! COMPLETE
1. Default Chapter

** Title: Diary of a Father  
Author: TrinityTheSheDevil  
Rating: PG, for now  
Disclaimer: THEY'RE MINE! ALL MINE! Hehe, JUST KIDDING!!!! I don't own them!  
Summary: Aragorns diary as he has kids. Poor him!**  
_Okay, I got bit by this bunny when someone on the Mellon Chronicles list was asking for "Fatherly Aragorn" fics. I hope you all like it. Don't worry though, I haven't abanoned my other fanfics! LOL. They're just on hold for the second. Oh, note, this WILL continue. I have ideas for the next two or three chapters. YAY. :D_   
**Day one -   
Writing in a sunlit window:**   
  
Arwens pregnant. Two little words have never filled me with more fear or anticipation. The baby is due in nine months, and will be here in September. I hope it's a boy.  
  
**Day Twenty Four -   
Writing from Kingly Throne:**  
  
Can really tell Arwen is with child now. Tell her she looks skinny as the first day I met her. Lets me keep my life and get extra make-out sessions when my advisors aren't looking.   
  
Legolas dropped by a few days ago. He couldn't believe that I actually accomplished getting her pregnant. Cannot believe he would doubt me. Have banned the prissy elf from Gondor.  
  
**Day Sixty Two -   
Writing From Doghouse:**  
  
Arwen found out I wanted a boy. Got extremely angry. Apparently, she wants a girl. Note to self: stay away from violent she-elf mood swings. Ada never warned me elf women were so touchy while knocked up. Further note to self: Find ice for bruise forming on upper cheek. Arwen has a hard right.   
  
**Day Ninety -   
Writing From Dark Cellar in Basement: **  
  
Mood swings have gotten worse. Will stay away from Arwen until day of childbirth. Won't write anymore as it is very dark down here. Hope the guards don't forget to feed me.   
  
----------  
  
**September -   
Day before D-Day:**  
  
Have finally come out of basement. Skin is really pale now. Arwen mistook me for albino man. Told her albino men didn't have dark hair. She went off to have pregnant she-elf pout.   
  
Unbanned Legolas from Gondor. Arwen would have my head if she found out I had banned him in the first place. Instead, have changed his title to "Legolas Thranduilion, Not A Natural Blonde". That should teach him.  
  
Baby comes tomorrow. Wonder if I should escape while I still can.   
  
**D-Day -  
Writing From Nursery**  
  
Awwww, baby is so cute! Such a little angel. And it's a boy! Arwen angry I won bet. Little boy so sweet and innocent. Cannot wait to teach him how to wield a sword.   
  
**Year 1 -   
Writing from Throne Room:**  
  
Baby beginning to crawl. Have safe-guarded all lower cabinets and put away any sharp objects. Also, have made man who invented baby-bumpers very rich. Wonderful invention. Although, guards a bit worried all corners are covered in ducky padding. Say it's tacky. Have hired new guards who like ducks.  
  
**Year 1.5  
Exhausted:**  
  
Why, oh why, does that kid have to wake up in the god awful hours of the morning? My life as a Ranger was nothing compared to stumbling out of bed, heading for the kitchens, and making warm milk for the baby. When Arwen is too sleepy to do it, that is. Need vacation. Bahamas of Mordor sounding like nice place to go this time of year.  
  
**Year 2 -   
Ripping hair out:**  
  
Baby can walk now. And talk. Has somehow learned dwarf curses. Will kill my brothers later. After I find out what exactly that smell is.   
  
**Day later -**   
  
Didn't need to know what that smell was.   
  
**Year 3 -   
Very Embarrassed:**  
  
Did you know a three year olds voice is louder than a party full of people? All nobles of Gondor now know that I can potty by myself. Resisting urge to strangle someone.  
  
**Year 3.5  
Very Annoyed:**  
  
Ada came to visit. Son is now spoiled. Wants to go live in Imladris with Ada. Note to self: Don't let Ada spoil the kid anymore. Not good for my health.  
  
**Year 4 -   
Wacking head off the wall:**  
  
Have found out that chandelier in dinning room is not strong enough to hold four year old boy who is determined to learn how to fly. Have also learned the easy way to prevent heart attacks.  
  
**Year 4.5  
Look like drowned rat:**  
  
Took son for a father and son fishing trip. Went well 'til he caught a duck. Ducks don't like it when they get caught by a fish hook. They also don't like someone pulling a fish hook from their beak. Duck bites hurt. Faramir can take the boy fishing next time. Have developed small phobia of the web-footed critters.   
  
**Year 5 -  
Dying hair back to brown:**  
  
Son can apparently start fire with flint rocks very easily. Have put away all flint. Will get more sheets for maids bed.  
  
**Year 6 -   
Nursing baseball wound:**  
  
Son can hit a baseball very good. Windows in hall are not strong enough to stop baseballs. Baseballs hurt when flying in your eye.  
  
**Year 7 -   
Pondering whether or not to take extended vacation:**  
  
Started sword training. Next time will use not-so-sharp swords. Kid takes after his mother too much.  
  
**Year 8 -   
Archery Field:**  
  
Poor Haldir. Wonder if he'll ever be able to walk without limping. Son is taking after Legolas when it comes to bad temper. Knew Haldir shouldn't have made fun of his archery skills. Will have a talk with Legolas later.   
  
**Year 9 -   
Amused:**  
  
Son is buttering me up. He wants something. He thinks he has me fooled, but I know him. Perhaps better than he knows himself. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  
  
**Later That Day -**   
  
Yup, I was right! He wants to learn to race horses with Eomer's son. "But Dad, HE gets to race horses!" Asked him if Eomers son jumped off a cliff, would he follow. He asked how high the cliff was. Little smart--. Little does he know, Eomer and his son grew up around horses. Told him he was too young, maybe when he's 13.  
  
**The Next Day -**   
  
I cannot believe that little snot! He turned right around and asked Arwen the very same thing! Of course, Arwen couldn't say no. Hah. I told him so. Better go to the hospital wing and see how he is doing. He better hope Eomer doesn't find out he used the Horse Lord's best racing horse. Doubt that horse will ever come back...  
  
**Year 10 -  
WHY ME?! :**  
  
It happened. I hoped this day would be far away from now, but the Valar obviously doesn't care what I hope. The boy has finally asked where babies come from. It didn't help matters that I was drinking something at the time, although it was pretty funny that Legolas ended up wearing some of my finest wine.   
  
So, after sitting there with my mouth gaping trying to find the best words, I finally found the perfect thing. Hope my brothers don't mind I sent him their way.  
  
**Next Day -**   
  
Son has come back from getting thoroughly educated by brothers. He proceeded to tell me everything they taught him. I have learned a few things myself. Wonder if I can get everyone out of the Palace tonight, so Arwen and I can have some.....quality time.  
  
**Year 11 -   
Where's a wall so that I can bang my head against it? :**  
  
Son has discovered my stash of chocolate, and eat every bit of it. Have you ever seen a hyper eleven year old? It's not fun. Have saved my son from guards trying to strangle him numerous times today. Legolas' hair is now completely black, and someone shaved Gimli's beard off. Have decided to lock son in his room for the rest of the day. Wonder what that loud crash was.....  
  
**A few hours later - **  
  
Reminder to self: son obviously knows how to climb out of windows from three stories up. Seeing your son climbing down a wall, three stories up, will cause small heart attack. Lucky Arwen was there to catch me. Son won't be able to sit for a week.  
  
**Year 12 -  
VALAR HELP ME!**  
  
Arwen is two weeks pregnant! Have decided to escape while I still can, and go on 9 month hunting trip. Taking Legolas, Gimli, and son. Will catch diary up when I get back.  
YAY! The first part is DONE. The next chapter will continue with the second kid going into teenage years, and all that. :D **Saber** has written a WONDERFUL fic in response to this, it's Elladan explaining "The Question". *snickers* I highly recommend it, and it's called _THE Question_.   
Reviews? Is it worthy enough? ;) 


	2. Chapter Two

***blinks* WOW! I got a LOT of reviews for this one. Sorry this chapter took so long in coming out, I have been *VERY* busy lately. Anyway, thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! :)**  
  
_Further thanks: to the people who gave me ideas, to the people who encouraged me, and to Karine, my beta!_  
  
**Year 13 -   
Home Again, Whoop-dee-doo!**  
  
After nine months in the wild, am feeling very refreshed. 'Til I talked to Arwen. Probably should have left a note stating I was leaving for an extended time. Have gotten major tongue lashing.   
  
Son is now 13 years old. Valar help me, I now have a teenager under my roof. I hope he isn't going to be as bad as I was.  
  
New baby due in a week. Arwen hoping for a girl again. Am hoping for a nice quiet child who doesn't get into trouble and obeys their parents. Legolas reminds me not to have false hopes. Tempted to ban Elf from Gondor again, but Son would tell Arwen. Tattle-tell son.   
  
Week Later -   
  
I now have a baby daughter! She's so cute. Although, I am now wary of innocent faces and cute little grins. Ada coming in three months to get jump start on spoiling fest. Yay, I'm so happy. Excuse the sarcasm.   
  
**Months Later - **  
  
Ada has managed to somehow turn both son and daughter into snotty nosed brats. Was highly amused when son thought it was a good idea to shave Ada's eyebrows off as he slept. Ada has went back to Rivendell to recuperate. Doubt he'll be back anytime soon.  
  
**Year 14 -   
Deciding to never have kids again....**  
  
Son has found out that one year olds don't care if it's the middle of the night when they're hungry. Have punished son when I caught him trying to sell his sister to his friends. He had better hope Arwen doesn't find out.  
  
**Next Day - **  
  
Arwen found out. Had to keep myself from laughing at the lecture he received from his mother. She-Elves are not people to anger. Have learned that from experience.   
  
**Year 15 -   
Yet another lesson learned in the great adventure of having kids....**  
  
Never leave small furry animal, glue, and two year old in the same room alone. Am still trying to scrape the kitten from the wall....  
  
**Year 15.5  
Never....giving...daughter.....crayons....again...**  
Two and a half year old daughter has taken up drawing. She decided my throne room wasn't colorful enough. Now have servants trying to scrub various animals and elves from the floors and walls. Thankful the little brat...um....angel couldn't reach the ceiling.  
  
**Year 16  
Cold baths always help:**  
  
The curse of hormones has struck my son. Caught him making out with Faramir's daughter in the cellar. He said he was just helping her fix her blouse. Psssshhh, yeah right. I've used that excuse too many times to be fooled by it.   
  
Legolas thought it was quite amusing. Have also found out that Elladan and Elrohir have been giving my son dating tips. Will kill them later...  
  
**Year 16.5  
No more paint either!**  
  
Would it be so bad if I strangled my daughter just a *little* bit? I mean, is it too much to ask for them *not* to touch my battle armor? Not only did she break that rule, she went above and beyond. My armor is pink. Not just any pink, noooo, it's BRIGHT pink. And wouldn't you know it, it was RIGHT BEFORE a battle. I didn't have time to get any other armor. Can you imagine me, the King of Gondor, riding into battle with bright pink armor? Faramir and Eomer wouldn't stop sniggering. "Accidentally" hit them with my sword and knocked them into a pond on the way home. Soldiers had a good laugh.  
  
**Year 17  
Ada's back....**  
  
Ada obviously thought now would be a good time to visit. His eyebrows have been fully restored now, if not a little thinner around the edges. Have to keep from laughing every time I look at him though.   
  
Daughter thought Ada's ring was very pretty. She decided to test out her stealth skills by stealing it from him while he slept. Noticed something was wrong when I saw a rain cloud that kept following son around and soaking him. Must kill brothers again for teaching daughter stealth skills. Although, very funny seeing son looking like drowned rat.  
  
**Year 18  
Wondering where my son got his sense of humor.....**  
  
Son decided to get daughter back for the ring incident by scaring her half to death. Told her about the "sneeze of death". To my understanding, he said when you sneeze, your heart stops. This would have been enough to frighten a five year old, but he went on to say that the fourth sneeze was the sneeze of death. Daughter caught a cold the next day, sneezed four times in a row, and proceeded to scream like a banshee. Ada had been sleeping at the time, and fell off of his bed. Son has been properly punished by Arwen. No idea as to what she did, but he walks around looking half terrified now. Would feel sorry for him but Ada glares at me every time he sees me now. Something about not knowing how to properly raise children.....as if he can talk. Speaking of my brothers, should really find out what they're up to. They haven't been around for a week now....  
  
**Year 18.5  
To say that I have the most immature brothers would be an understatement.....**  
  
Found out what those "adult" brothers of mine were up to. They apparently decided that Eomer had too many horses, and stole them. That would have been fine, as I know they wouldn't do anything to the horses, but they put them in *my* stables. Eomer has very sharp and pointy sword.....  
  
Will kill brothers later.....have to go get arm bandaged up first. It was worth it when Eomer found out I wasn't the culprit though. Poor guy, never seen someone apologize that much...  
  
**Year 19  
  
Had the most interesting of wake-up calls...**  
  
I was sleeping peacefully last night until I heard the loudest racket. Grabbed my sword and ran out the door to see what it was. Found son lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. He was obviously trying to sneak out and meet what's-her-name again. Am glad I installed trip wire at top of stairs now.....  
  
**Year 19.5  
How many "phases" does a kid go through?!**  
  
Okay, so, I was okay with the crying phase. Then came the "spoiled brat" phase. (Which she still hasn't gotten over in my opinion.) Then there was the "artistic" phase. Now....it's the naked phase.   
  
In the middle of a *very* important meeting, daughter came running through the room butt naked, quickly followed by five maids, all trying to get her into various bits of clothing. After muttering a quick apology to my advisors, I ran out the door after her........and right into Legolas. Was amusing watching the blonde elf bounce down three sets of staircases, but have decided to keep my distance from him for a few weeks. Or years. Finally caught daughter and gave her to Arwen. Hope this phase won't last as long as the last one.....  
  
**Year 20  
One kid down, one to go....**  
  
Son is no longer a teenager! Yay me! Had big celebration for him, claimed it was because he is now a man. *snort* Yeah right. Am very worried now though, caught the glances he was sending towards Faramir's daughter. Again. The two of them have suspiciously disappeared. Have sent out guards to find them......  
  
**-A Week Later-**  
  
Found them. Faramir's daughter had to be checked over by Ada for some reason. Will find out why later. Faramir also doesn't know. Hope she isn't catching the flu.  
  
**-Three Months Later-**  
  
Was rudely awoken this morning by Faramir strangling me. He kept screaming that "I knew about it", and "didn't tell him". When Legolas finally pried his hands from my neck, I was able to find out what he kept going on about.  
  
His daughter is pregnant. Which means.....I'm a grandfather.  
  
After I woke up (smelling salts really stink you know), I proceeded to strangle son. Unfortunately Ada was there. Told me it wouldn't be right. Though, am beginning to think he found the whole thing amusing. Also told me it would be good for me.......that I needed to "grow up", finally. Wonder if it's possible to strangle an elf lord.....  
  
Arwen is a very happy she-elf right now. Carted Faramir's daughter off to be pampered. Why pregnant women need so much chocolate I'll never know...  
  
Faramir has stopped trying to kill me and just settles for very dark glares. He must be taking lessons from Ada.  
  
Decided to give son a home of his own. He and Faramir's daughter are to be wed next year. Am just glad that the baby won't be staying *here*.  
  
**Year 20.5  
Water Phobias suck.....**  
  
Decided to teach daughter how to swim. Took her down to one of the ponds and watched her eye the water for about ten minutes. Got very annoyed and ended up just throwing her in. The old "swim or drown" trick that the twins used on me obviously wasn't a good idea. Had to dive in after her and pull her back onto the bank. Temper got the best of me that moment, as Legolas kept paddling around the pond on his back, laughing. Threw a very heavy rock on his chest and watched him sink to the bottom. Got in trouble twice with Arwen, as daughter told on me, then Legolas. Prissy elves.  
  
**Year 21  
Payback is sweet!**  
  
Son and Faramir's daughter were finally wed. Gave him a new sword as a wedding gift. Probably should have gotten him ear muffs, as the baby was born a week later. Definitely glad the little terror isn't living here. HAH! Son told me he was sorry for being a mean little kid. Hate it for son, as Ada has decided to stay with him for a month. Baby will be spoiled before he can talk.  
  
Legolas decided to get revenge on me for the whole pond incident. Tied me upside down to my horse and rode me around the countryside. Big rocks hurt.......  
  
Elf will get it later...........  
  
**-A Week Later-**  
  
I think the whole kingdom has noticed Legolas dangling upside down from the tallest tower by his feet. Revenge is definitely sweet. Glad I gagged him, he kept trying to curse me into the next age. Wonder if I should get him down now......  
  
**Year 22  
Very glad there is a water barrel in the kitchen.....**  
  
Daughter has apparently entered the "cooking" phase now. Decided she wanted to help cater for one of the royal banquets. Set the food on fire.....set the chef on fire.......kitchen has scorch marks everywhere. She has been banned from the kitchen. Chef is angry at me. Blames me for the blister marks on his backside. *I* wasn't the one who told her she could help! It was Arwen! But does my beautiful wife get blamed? Noooo. It's me. Always me!  
  
Suppose the dead fly in my dinner was Chef's idea of revenge. Hope he likes his new dead warg in the kitchen.  
  
**Year 22.5  
Hobbits came to visit!**  
  
Frodo and the gang decided to visit Gondor. Son has been hanging out with Merry and Pippin quite a lot. I think the hobbits are sharing embarrassing stories about me. Wonder if son wants to know about the time Pippin loosed all the goblins in Moria on us....it was accidentally but son doesn't need to know that.   
  
Daughter has made fast friends with Sam's daughter. The two have been making more mischief that Legolas and I had when I lived in Rivendell. Guards have learned not to accept the offer of a make-up party from the two. Although it was very funny watching them try to scrub off Arwen's face paint......  
  
**-Next Day-**  
  
Son has decided to try out hobbit weed. Hobbits neglected to tell him the effect it has on elves until he started stripping in the middle of a bar convinced he was covered in slugs. Took two days for him to get over the effect. Legolas avoiding hobbits, too scared of a repeat of the last time he was around hobbit weed. Still sniggering over that one.  
  
**Year 23  
Rain, Rain, go away...**  
  
It's been raining for a WEEK now, no sign of stopping. Ada went back to Rivendell, so no help from him. It wouldn't be so bad, but I had to go inspect one of the villages just up the hill. My horse refused to carry me (Prissy elvish horse) so I walked the whole way there. Was fine while walking back, until a heavy downpour started. Stepped in some very slick mud, and slid all the way down the hill......landed in a very large puddle. Legolas just happened to be walking by at the time, and thought it was funny. Elf ran to the palace locked me out of my own home! Had to stand outside in the stables til Arwen let me in. Took an hour to get all the mud off.  
  
Elf is in for it. No doubt about it.  
  
**Year 23.5  
Baby-Sitting.....wheee....**  
  
Son asked me to baby sit grandchild, who is two now. Should not have but baby kept going "papa" in a very cute way. Curse cuteness! Was tempted to make a new law in Gondor.."No public displays of 'cute' in any kind"....wouldn't have gone over well with Arwen though. Damn she elves...  
  
Now, if you'll excuse me, grandchild has escaped crib again. Must go find him.  
  
**-Next Day-**  
  
Grandchild found Legolas' old bow. And an arrow. Grandchild has surprisingly good aim. Was tempted to throw Ada out the nearest, and highest, window when he kept laughing while muttering "shot by a two year old" under his breath. Have given evil child of Mordor back to son. Surprised my eyebrows are still intact.....  
  
**Year 24  
Hah! Take THAT Legolas....**  
  
Had a big costume party yesterday. Daughter begged to go. She dressed up as Cupid. With a real bow and arrow. She kept saying something about Legolas needing to get laid and shot him in the arse with an arrow. Don't think that will help him much in the romance department. Then again, the nurse had a surprisingly good time pulling the arrow from his bum and treating the wound. Have sent daughter off to stay with son until Legolas cools down a bit.  
  
*Snigger*.......prissy elf.  
  
**Year 24.5  
Cat fight......**  
  
Legolas tried to get daughter back by leaving bucket of mud above doorway. Plan backfired when Arwen walked through the door. Never seen Legolas run so fast in my life. Daughter and I couldn't stop laughing. He better hope Arwen doesn't catch him.  
  
**-Week Later-**   
  
Arwen caught him. Wonder how long it'll take for his hair to grow back.....  
  
**Year 25  
Leaving Gondor.....that's it.......**  
  
Arwen is pregnant *sniff* again! *sob* I can't take another kid! Two was enough for me! Then there is the grandkid who's four now. I have a bald spot in the back of my head from ripping my hair out. Oh, here comes Ada with some healing tea. Good, I'll need it before my trip.  
  
**-A Week Later-**  
  
Damn ada and his sleeping potion! Woke up tied to the bed. Where I'm currently at now. Ada says I'm staying with Arwen whether I like it or not.  
  
Maybe I can stab myself with the quill.......  
  
_Well, the end of another chapter. I seriously hope that you guys liked it, and there will be more chapters coming. Hopefully faster than this one! LOL._


	3. Chapter Three

**Author's Note, please read** - Hey, me again! Yes, I _FINALLY_ updated! LOL. Anyway, just thought you all should know - this is the last chapter. I've ended it here as if I made another chapter, I would have nothing to write! I sadly used up all my ideas in the first three, hahaha! And so sorry for the long wait. I do hope that it was worth it though. ;-)  
  
**Also** - I do realize this is entirely AU. The years are completely out of line (it's just how I ended up writing it) and the ages of the characters are odd, to say in the least. So don't say I did not warn you! LOL. The fic is meant to be funny and light-hearted anyway, so I wasn't really paying attention to making it sound realistic.  
  
That's about all then. TONS of thanks to my reviewers! I'm so glad this fic got such a good reaction! :-D I do hope you all will review the last chapter and tell me what you think. I feel as though my humor muse has run off and left me! LOL. Enjoy the chapter! :D  
  
_See chapter one for disclaimer._  
  
---------------   
  
**Year 26 -   
Oh dear Valar, another one! **   
  
The horror! The new kid (a girl, no less) looks so cute ... and innocent ... oh how I loathe innocent grins now. My second is thrilled over having a new baby sister. Son laughs at me. Says he is glad it is me and not him having another kid. That is okay though. Will just have to send kids over to their "big brother's house" for a week. Now must escape before Arwen forces me to make more warm milk and mashed bananas for third ...   
  
**Year 26.5  
How I do love Ada's expressions ...**   
  
Finally got Ada back for that tea prank he pulled over on me. Decided to go on extended vacation at the Misty Mountain Spa and Resort with Arwen. Left both screaming children with him. Ada had the most sour expression as I handed him third. At first, I thought it was because she was screaming ... then the smell hit me and I noticed the stain on ada's new light grey robe. snicker He'll never get that out. Ah, have to rush now, time for my boiled rock massage ...   
  
**Year 27  
Butt plug ... must invest in butt plugs ...**   
  
Valar! Thinks something is wrong with third child. The kid likes to excessively ... uhm ... to use the term my second uses, "poopoo". And third does it a LOT. Asked Gandalf about it, old bat said it was only natural, then laughed at me! HE doesn't have to live with it though. Would curse him but he is a wizard and that is must unwise...   
  
Anyway, back to subject. Third "poopoo'd" again. Badly. While she was supposedly sleeping soundly in crib. Then proceeded to play patty cake with said poo. It. Was. Everywhere. On the walls ... on the floor ... in her hair ... now in MY hair ... UGH. Need shower. Now. Must ... get ... clean ...   
  
**Year 27.5  
snerk Legolas has gone insane!**   
  
Poor Legolas. No I mean really, poor Legolas. A few nights ago Arwen and I were forced to go on a trip to take second to a friend's house, as her friend had _"just got the cutest little pony, ada I really want to go, can I? Can I? Can I?"_ Anyway, Legolas accepted the offer of a job, as babysitter. For the youngest. He really was _not_ prepared for that in the least.   
  
When we got back, youngest was sleeping soundly in her crib. (A miracle; I do believe my heart stopped for a moment.) Legolas, however, was a mess. The poor Mirkwood native was huddled in the corner, shuddering badly with odd objects stuck in his hair. (It took Arwen quite a while to remove the sticky gum our children are fond of.) His feet were dyed blue, there were pictures drawn on various parts of his body, and his fingers were glued together. Needless to say, Legolas has taken up residence in the nearby woods to recuperate. I do hope he has managed to unstick his fingers though ...   
  
**Year 28  
Glad I had at least some influence on second ...**   
  
It is a good thing my first taught me the true meaning of how to prevent heart attacks. Second sure as fire tried to give me one nigh on two weeks ago. After an ... interesting ... argument with the fifteen year old, she stormed from the room and supposedly into her quarters. How wrong one could be ...   
  
It started when I was informed by two guards that a tavern wench looking suspiciously like my daughter was running through the palace and into one of the more filthy bars around. Afterwards, I learned several men recognized her for who she was ... my second, of course. They decided to kidnap second and use second for ransom. Arwen was beside herself with worry.   
  
After gathering the guards and getting ready to march on the city myself to take her back, we received a rather large box. A rather large, _loud_ box. Upon opening it, we found my second, bound and trussed with a gag in her mouth and a note on her forehead. The note said, "You are obviously raising the spawn of Morgoth - keep the brat and we shall keep our remaining limbs."   
  
Elladan and Elrohir found amusement in the situation where I could not. Obviously, unknown to me, the two devious brothers of mine had shown my daughter the ... finer points to fighting dirty. After thanking them both, I was sure to throttle them soundly.   
  
Now ... believe that heart attack I avoided has come back for revenge. Must find ada ...   
  
**Year 28.5  
Was I so wrong? Really?**   
  
I fear I owe Legolas a great apology. It seems that my second is not as innocent as she wishes me to think. Let me explain.   
  
Several days ago, I came upon my daughter and Legolas in one of the smaller towers ... with locked lips. When they noticed me, my daughter turned with an expression of what I thought to be fear, terror, and loathing. She explained to me that Legolas had attempted to molest her. Me, being the great father I am, without further ado, shoved the elf from the window. Where he plummeted three stories. Thank the Valar the dwarf broke his fall ...   
  
However, that is not the point. My daughter, I now know, has certain ... feelings ... for the Mirkwood elf. I suppose I should have been suspicious when she asked me the week before if Legolas was single. Alas, I'm but a blind father. Perhaps I can lock daughter into one of the towers with guards around it so that she cannot lust after any man until she is of proper age to wed.   
  
Yes, and Mordor will freeze over while Orcs start wearing pink, fluffy dresses.   
  
I think I need another vacation ...   
  
**Year 29  
The situation is funnier than it seems ...**   
  
Second had still not gotten over her Legolas infatuation. In fact, it seemed to have grown stronger. Much to Legolas' horror.   
  
The night before last, Legolas decided he would rather be closer to the entrance (the reason escapes me), so he switched rooms with my ada. Imagine my second's surprise when she flung herself upon ada's bed squealing with delight. The look of utter disgust upon her face when she realized she was trying to kiss her grandfather will forever linger in my mind ... as well as Legolas'. The dratted elf won't stop laughing.   
  
Ada forced Arwen to give second a good talking to while he fled back to Rivendell. Second is now so angry at Legolas she refuses to even look at him. He is very happy about this.   
  
Perhaps I should not have laughed also, as second keeps giving me withering glares. Have I mentioned she looks too much like my ada in that department than I am comfortable with?   
  
**Year 29.5  
When I least expected it!**   
  
Had thought Legolas to be over the whole window thing. Obviously not. He must somehow be related to Melkor, for his form of revenge is the most evil I have seen in quite a while.   
  
Imagine this: I am innocently sitting at my desk (okay so I was dozing ... a king's paperwork is never done) when the door burst open, emitting a busty tavern wench intent on pinning me to my mattress. (Or any surface she could find, the desk seemed to suit her quite well.) In my sleep fogged, shocked mind, I of course froze completely as her lips descended upon mine and her hands groped in places that I would they rather not have.   
  
Then, from the hall, I heard Legolas' laughter, as well as Arwen's voice. This was enough to cause panic, but what was worst was it seems they were headed right for my room. And when they walked through the door, as I attempted to remove the bulk of the woman from atop me, I automatically knew this to be a scheme of Legolas'. The evil glint in his eye by far passes any look from an enemy I have ever fought.   
  
Suppose now I shall be sleeping on the royal couch while kissing the royal behind of the royal queen while I think of royal plans to get back at the evil elf Legolas ...   
  
**Year 30  
Another moment ruined ...**   
  
Don't know what went wrong, really. It was the perfect moment. Second was off with a friend, and third was asleep. Arwen and I decided to have a private moment to ourselves (and try out the new bath oils sent from foreign lands), to relax a bit. Didn't work.   
  
After climbing into the large tub (being a king has it's perks), we heard ... giggling. Looking to the door, we noticed two hands ... under the door ... waving at us. And from the hall, we heard this:   
  
_"What ada doing?"_   
  
It was then I realized my second was home earlier than planned. _"He's doing IT, of course, what do you think they're doing in there?!"   
  
"Doin' WHAT?"_   
  
I then promptly fled from the tub and pulled on a robe, hastening to shut the mouth of my second before she made third more curious than she already was, and to hopefully stop any rumors from spreading.   
  
**Two Days Later -**   
  
Legolas strikes again. This time at the dinner table. After watching him smirk for ten minutes or so, finally asked what he was laughing at. He asked, _"So did you and Arwen have fun doing IT?"_ To which my third began snickering loudly, even if she did not know the meaning behind the joke.   
  
Legolas must pay.   
  
**Year 30.5  
Fate has a wicked sense of humor ...**   
  
Hahaha! Daughter-in-law is pregnant again. Son very worried. Keeps biting his nails. Had to have guards drag him from the cellar and take him home three times already. He finally stopped when Faramir threatened to spear him with a fork.   
  
Arwen has predicted second grandchild shall be a boy. Good. Females are so much more complicated and I know I shall have to baby-sit the kid in the future.   
  
Wow, my last remaining dark hair has just turned grey. How nice.   
  
**Year 31  
Gah!**   
  
Received many large, colorful birds from the new lands we are making alliances with. Foreign leaders said the birds will bring luck to our future meetings together. Well ... they _would_ have anyway.   
  
Youngest saw the birds. Obsessed over the birds. Should have locked the birds up securely. Awoke this morning by the sound of wings flapping by my window and a shrill little voice going, _"Fly birdies fly!"_   
  
Would not have been that bad had the archery group decided not to practice today. Suppose we shall be having bird for dinner tonight.   
  
**Year 31.5  
A joyous day indeed**   
  
Grandchild born. It is a boy. Arwen scoffed at me when I was surprised. Told her she did not exactly predict _our_ children when they were conceived. Gotta find ice for black eye.   
  
Son told me perhaps his second will not be as devious as he was. Laughed in son's face. He grinned and informed me he and daughter-in-law were thinking of vacation. Wonder if Legolas would baby-sit grandchildren ...   
  
**Year 32  
I knew it ...**   
  
I really should not have let third eat so much candy. Really. _Especially_ before the banquet where Gondor is entertaining guests from another land.   
  
Their king decided to greet third in a fierce hug. (Traditional there, I'm told.) Third promptly turned green halfway through the hug and expelled the contents of her stomach onto his back. Violently.   
  
Ada berated me for letting her have candy. Other king glared at me as if I plotted this. Legolas laughed. Twins snickered.   
  
Must maim someone ...   
  
**Year 32.5  
What's the use**   
  
Fires of Mordor! That child will be the death of me!   
  
Third accidentally spilt dye on my new robes. Not that I minded much, the things were stiff and way too formal for my tastes. Told her it was fine, I was not mad. However, she took it upon herself to clean my robes. In the fountain. With lots of soap.   
  
Now not only is the fountain clogged (with my new robes), but there is a mass of bubbles threatening to take over the top level of Minas Tirith. Found Legolas in a corner happily washing his hair. Guards are having bubble fights.   
  
Realized have gone soft. Guards will be put through new training exercises. In the meantime has put pink dye in Legolas' shampoo. Hehehe.   
  
**Year 33  
sigh**   
  
Another alliance almost lost. During dinner, one of the foreign leaders belched. Loudly. Is sure the man meant it as a compliment, but third child unfortunately took it the wrong way. In completely the wrong way. She began screaming loudly, _"Ada he belched! He belched loudly! Put him in the corner! Put him in the corner and punish him! That was gross!"_   
  
Sadly, she was right. It is my custom to punish children by putting them in the corner for ten minutes. Foreign leader did not like being dragged to the corner by guards, nor held there at sword point. He cursed me loudly in whatever language he speaks (and I saw the twins taking notes of these curses - for future use, I'm sure). Third had extremely smug grin on her face as she taunted him.   
  
I feel another war coming on.   
  
**Year 33.5  
The road to Mordor is paved with good intentions**   
  
Arwen's conception day is tomorrow. Have no gift for her. Correction: _NOW_ I have no gift for her. Did buy a beautifully dwarven crafted, stand up mirror. However, second and third saw it. Both demanded to be the ones to set it up in bedroom for Arwen as surprise.   
  
It is not good to play tug-of-war with a mirror. Nor can a mirror survive a stumbled step and plunge down five stories. Second and third watched with anxious faces as the mirror shattered into many, many pieces.   
  
Perhaps Arwen will like the nice new horse saddle I managed to find in the stables ...   
  
**Year 34  
Another gone! Kind of ...**   
  
Second just had twenty-first birthday. Was thrilled for her, as now she is moving in with her friends. Unfortunately she decided to have one last sleepover here. With all of her friends. And several males.   
  
Guards went into early retirement. Is constantly finding panties in random broom closets. All manner of animals have fled the stables. Ale is completely gone. Have had several un-preventable heart attacks. Daughter has suspicious looking hickey. And there is a dress on the dinning room chandelier that looks as if it has been glued there.   
  
Dear Valar. I need sedatives.   
  
**Year 34.5  
Memory is leaving with my age ...**   
  
How could I have forgotten Arwen's conception day? I had it marked on the calendar. It was written on my hand. I asked Legolas to remind me! (Okay so that last one wasn't exactly reliable ...)   
  
Found Arwen in the garden. Decided to surprise her with a rose, so I plucked one from the flowers there. Presented it to her. Did not get the expected reaction, as she turned a surprising shade of red, then proceeded to try and bash me with a nearby shovel and drown me in the fountain.   
  
Later after returning from unconsciousness learned Arwen had just planted the roses. Ow.   
  
**Year 35  
Writing from the barn ...**   
  
Son dropped grandchildren off to stay with me for the day. The first eat all the food, drank all the wine, and took off with a friend. Second grandchild wanted to see horses. Set the horses loose. Hit me with a bat. Tied me up in the barn.   
  
Perhaps I can wiggle just enough to get loose ...   
  
...   
  
Okay maybe not. Hopefully son will return soon and round up his Spawn of Morgoth before Minas Tirith ends up in ruins.   
  
**Year 35.5  
At least I wasn't alone ...**   
  
At first, wondered why I found Legolas quickly packing and fleeing from Minas Tirith. The short answer surprised me - _"No more children, no more children!"_ But I chalked it up to the strangeness of the Mirkwood elf.   
  
Then son arrived. With both grandchildren and Faramir (who looked horrified) in tow. Dropped all three off with me and took off with Arwen.   
  
Found myself with Faramir, having to baby-sit both grandchildren, as well as look after third. We will not speak of the evils that occurred but I do know that Faramir shall not be riding into battle anytime soon. Neither will I, for that matter.   
  
**Year 36  
The Hobbits have fled!**   
  
Poor hobbits. Did not know my third was such a bully. Found two hobbit feet protruding from a trashcan, pulled Frodo from the can. Asked him what happened. Told me that third demanded mushrooms and pushed him in when he did not have any. Pippin was found by the guards, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. Merry no longer has any body hair.   
  
Now I only hope we can find Sam in time ...   
  
**Next Day -**   
  
I doubt Sam will be gardening for the next month or so ...   
  
**Year 36.5  
Must not show face in public, ever again ...**   
  
I only wanted a small birthday party. Was that too much to ask? Obviously so.   
  
It seems that all children and grandchildren conspired against me. With the help of Arwen. Was unceremoniously captured, stripped, and flowers were glued to my body. I was then tied to a horse and paraded through Minas Tirith, amongst the cheering citizens who obviously found this highly amusing.   
  
I was then doused with water to cleanse the flowers off and forced to flee back to the palace in my birthday suit ... oh the irony.   
  
I'm sure my ... loyal ... subjects will remember this for many, many years.   
  
Have marked out children from will. Everything I own will be left to my horse, Fluffy. See if they are laughing _then._   
  
**Year 37  
Ow ... ow ... ow**   
  
I knew I shouldn't have let third take up sewing. I just knew it.   
  
I was ... persuaded (or more along the lines of, _"Estel if you do not do this for our daughter then I am sure there are certain things I will most certainly NOT be doing for you!"_) to be the test dummy for a new dress of hers. After long hours of having to stand in one position, while being poked in very sensitive areas with a sharp needle, third claimed she was finished. I then asked if I could take the dress off. That's when she realized ... she had completely sewn me up in the dress.   
  
It was in that moment that the twins walked in. I'm sure now they will never be able to look at the color pink the same way again.   
  
**Year 37.5  
Elessar the candle ...**   
  
Second grandchild came over for a visit today. Decided to fly a kite, one given to him by ada. Unfortunately, said kite got stuck on a very tall tower. Guess who got the lovely job of fetching it down? That's right ... me.   
  
As I got to the top, one of the worst things that could happen, did happen. A storm came up. Have I mentioned that storms in Minas Tirith are often times very bad? If not, I will say it now - they are. And from someone who knows - lightning hurts. A lot.   
  
As I was struck, and apparently as I heard later from Legolas, I had, _"Lit up Minas Tirith like you were the Beacon of Gondor itself!"_. Those below all had the same reaction:   
  
_"Oohh, pretty fireworks!"_   
  
Shall think up revenge while I am in the healing rooms.   
  
**Year 38  
Never going on a roof again ... ever ... no matter what ...**   
  
The wine tasted odd. I knew that from the first sip. But it was perfect, in all it's forms. So I drank it, ignoring the note from the foreign land it came from. Two bottles later, I finally forced blurry eyes to focus on the scribbled line on the paper.   
  
_"Be careful - this is ten times as strong as what your people are used to."_   
  
Oh yes. I know this NOW, as I am back in the healing rooms. Again.   
  
After my mind was seized by the wine (not long after reading the note), I - in my drunken stupor - decided to climb to the roof of a nearby house. I think I wanted to get a better look at Arwen in the royal bathtub, I'm not quite sure now. But the end result is the same. A loose tile upon the roof gave way, sending me careening from it, and doing a very bad impression of a bird. (No matter how hard you try, flapping your arms will NOT slow your fall. It only makes it all the more comical.)   
  
I suppose that the twins may have found it funny, had I not used them as a landing pad. They are in the beds opposite me, giving me evil glares.   
  
My only hope now is to heal before them and escape from their plans of revenge. Somehow ... I doubt that will happen.   
  
**Year 38.5  
Depression ... it is one of those things ...**   
  
Legolas found me looking into my mirror today, with apparently an odd expression on my face. The elf asked what was wrong, so I told him. I expected sympathy. A ear to listen to my problems and soothe them away. Even pity! But no, I got the prissy "Oh-I-Am-So-Better-Than-You-Because-I-Can-Walk-On-Snow-And-You-Can't" attitude.   
  
My problem was thus: I feel as if I am getting old. (And I truly am, my hair is completely white now, although that certainly isn't surprising!) Legolas stared at me for a few moments before bursting out in laughter. His reaction went as follows - _"Haha! Yes, so sad that I cannot grow old and look forward to wrinkles, greying hair, and the decrease of one's bodily functions. How glad I am that I am not a puny mortal!"_ He then slapped me on the back and strutted from the room.   
  
Although he did succeed in taking my mind off of my age ... as now I am bent on revenge. The elf shall get it and when I am done, he shall not have to worry about his hair turning grey ... for he shall have NONE!   
  
**Year 39  
Not again!**   
  
It snuck up on me unexpectedly! I didn't even realize it until it was too late to escape! It seems my third is now a teenager. After going through two children, I know what to expect, but it does not lessen the pain, grief, and worry I feel.   
  
Wait, I see a convoy coming into Minas Tirith. Perhaps I _can_ escape after all!   
  
Even if I can't ... at least Arwen isn't with child again. I do not think I could handle another one now. Oh, well ... I can only wonder what life has in store for me now!   
  
-------------   
  
Well, that's all folks! If you made it to the end - thanks so much for reading! Reviews are much welcome, I'd love to hear what you guys think! :-)  
  



End file.
